So, I told you that I had chosen a word of the year. My friend, Jerrell, preached a pretty thought-provoking message at our church in preparation for the New Year where he challenged us to have a word for the year, kind of as a theme. His was HOPE. Well, at the end of the sermon, I realized that a word of the year would be good for me to focus on. It's much easier than a resolution, but essentially that's what it is -- it just covers...well...everything in life versus one specific aspect of life.
Now, usually my go-to words for something like this would be things like "Simplify" or "Peace" or calming thoughts along that line. But after multiple conversations with other girls (and my husband) on my state of mind (and the state of my heart) these days, I really kind of already knew what my word needed to be.
FEARLESS.
This year, I need to be fearless.
Now there are plenty of things that I am not afraid of. I am generally not afraid to try (most) new things. I've eaten boiled octopus, fish oil pizza and stewed cow brain, and I have ventured into 22 countries around the world. I rode a donkey named Pardo up a mountain, and I've played with monkeys and a little boa constrictor. I've climbed mountains and I've parasailed. I hiked into the crater of an active volcano. I even tried out for the TV show, Survivor, on a complete whim. I love meeting new people, hearing new music, exploring new ideas.
But, if I'm going to be perfectly honest, I'm afraid of people at the same time. As much as I loathe admitting it, as much as I don't want to say it, I struggle with people-pleasing still. I struggle with wanting people to like me. I struggle with thinking people don't like me. I struggle with the idea that certain people's opinions of me matter more than they truly should. I question myself unendingly. I love it when people click "like" on my Facebook statuses or when people comment on my statuses (in a fun, friendly, or approving way). I want people to think I'm amazing. I sometimes avoid certain conversations, topics, or questions because that could cause someone to think less of me. Or to avoid me. Or to just not like me. Not always. But sometimes. So my brain cells are constantly swimming in this wondering and worrying and questioning and pridefulness (because it is, at the center of it all, pride) and....it's just not healthy or right.
Well, this year, I've already had plenty of opportunities to put this to the test. There have been so many conversations I have had (I can think of 3 this week -- one with the lady at the post office, one with a family member, and one with a good friend) where I have come to a crossroads. Do I pursue this conversation to the left and be safe? Do I pursue this conversation to the right and fling myself off of a cliff? Do I ask her more and pursue deeper relationship even if that isn't what I have time for right now? Do I ask him this question even if he probably doesn't want to hear it from me and may not talk to me for a year? The tension is ever present, and there is always opportunity for these choices. This year, I want my immediate choice to always be to be fearless. Take the chance. Do what I know is right. Say what I know is right WHEN I know it is right. Now I'm not saying to be reckless and not think wisely about my words.
With that goal in mind, here is the Scripture that will be my "bread and butter" this year -- I John 4:10-19.
"This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us.
This is how we know that we live in him and he in us: He has given us of his Spirit. And we have seen and testify that the Father has sent his Son to be the Savior of the world. If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.
God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us."
Perfect love drives out fear. If I am filled with perfect love, I should not be a fearful person. I should be crazy overflowing in the ways that I show my love, and I should not live as one who cowers in fear (while disguising the cowering really well). I should be brimming with what is right and good and noble and true and encouraging and admonishing in truth and in LOVE.
When I visited Oxford University with my some of my high school students a few years ago, I remember listening to a lecture on J.R.R. Tolkien's style of writing. His writing style emulated the Nordic myth in Lord of the Rings, one of my favorite series of all time. Some myths (certain Greek ones, for instance) have the hero pursuing some great good or conquering some great evil with a promise of priceless reward if they should succeed. Nordic myths are different. The hero pursues what is right and good regardless of compensation. Regardless of guaranteed success. Regardless of knowing that he or she would return alive. You just do what is right BECAUSE it is right.
I'm trying to get there. Obviously, it may be impossible to get it completely right this side of heaven, but....I'm trying to make the worldview switch in my head. Not to be reckless. Just not to be afraid.
"For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man?
If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ."
~ Galatians 1:10
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